Saturday, January 22, 2022

the last book I ever read (D. H. Lawrence's St. Mawr, excerpt thirteen)

from St. Mawr by D. H. Lawrence:

Within these outer layers of herself lay the successive inner sanctuaries of herself. And these were inviolable. She accepted it.

“I am not a marrying woman,” she said to herself. “I am not a lover nor a mistress nor a wife. It is no good. Love can't really come into me from the outside, and I can never, never mate with any man, since the mystic new man will never come to me. No, no, let me know myself and my role. I am one of the eternal Virgins, serving the eternal fire. My dealings with men have only broken my stillness and messed up my doorways. It has been my own fault. I ought to stay virgin, and still, very, very still, and serve the most perfect service. I want my temple and my loneliness and my Apollo mystery of the inner fire. And with men, only the delicate, subtler, more remote relations. No coming near. A coming near only breaks the delicate veils, and broken veils, like broken flowers, only lead to rottenness.”

She felt a great peace inside herself as she made this realization. And a thankfulness. Because, after all, it seemed to her that the hidden fire was alive and burning in this sky, over the desert, in the mountains.

She felt a certain latent holiness in the very atmosphere, a young spring-fire of latent holiness, such as she had never felt in Europe, or in the East. “For me,” she said, as she looked away at the mountains in shadow and the pale-warm desert beneath, with wings of shadow upon it: “For me, this place is sacred. It is blessed.”

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